Yoghurt

“I’ma eat some motherfuckin’ YOGHURT up in this bitch!!!!”

My roommate, Chris, half-shouted this while bent at the waist, head inches from the top shelf in our fridge, left hand resting on the open french door as he peered around to the bottom right hand corner where the yogurt was usually kept. I don’t know how he managed to pronounce “yogurt” with an “h”, but he did.

“Wow, man...congratulations. I mean, seriously. I think you managed to speak a completely original sentence right there, you know, one that no one ever in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD had ever spoken before.”

He already had the foil cap off and was now rooting around for a clean spoon. “What?”

“I’m serious! Do you know how rare that probably is? I mean, just think about it...there are billions of people all over the world, talking about god knows what 24 hours a day, and it’s pretty likely that no one in the world had ever said that before you did, and might not ever again! I mean, even if you get strict about it and discount anyone who might have said the equivalent in a language other than English, that’s still a pretty cool thing.”

We had been living together for almost a year, which was the longest I had ever lived with anyone besides my mom and dad, at that point. He put up with my total lack of interest in housekeeping, and I put up with his total being a stupid fucking asshole. It was, as we say in the corporate world these days, a “win-win”.

I wasn’t being sarcastic, though, with the original sentence thing. Milan Kundera had this idea that there are so many people in the world, there aren’t enough gestures to go around. So every time you see your little cousin hold his head cocked slightly to one side when he’s confused, it’s not that he looks just like his grandpa when he does that, it’s that he looks like thousands, perhaps millions, of people; people scattered all over the globe that have stumbled, through some combination of nature and nurture, into that same gesture.

At least, that’s an idea that’s in one of Kundera’s books. I don’t have any idea whether he believed it or not. But I have to think that language works the same way. There’s a spectrum, I know; if you text someone “OMG LOL!”, that’s gonna be the high end of the spectrum, right, and if you say to someone at a party, “Yeah, my Aunt Gertrude’s dog Mr. Sniffles died of bone cancer too...it sucked,” then you’re pretty much pegging the other side, but still. The chance exists...there are a lot of fucking people out there.

Chris sat heavily on the couch and kicked his feet up onto the coffee table. “Deep, man. Deep.”

“It wasn’t my idea, really.” I ran my right hand through my hair, a few millimeters to the left of where I parted it, starting about an inch and a half above the top of my nose and continuing until my fingers cleared about three-fourths of the length of my hair as it swept backward, in a gesture that I knew, intellectually, belonged to millions, but that felt as intimate, as peculiar, as UNIQUE to me as anything I could imagine, and then I grabbed the remote before he could watch Springer “ironically” at me again, because I fucking hate that more than anything.

I could have...

had a fucking BABY, in nine months...but instead, I just made an episode of The Robert and Dave Show. Which, if you really think about it, is WAY better than a baby!

You Know What...

Don't think of it as, "Oh, how weird...I guess Spencer's too cheap to pay $70 a year now that Xtranormal is out of beta, so he switched over to these new even DUMBER looking Robert and Dave characters." Think of it instead as, "Wow! Spencer is totally REBOOTING the Robert and Dave franchise, just like that TV guy is doing with Star Trek! This should be TOTALLY cool! Plus, now maybe one of the episodes will be Kirk and Spock having sex! With each other!!!!"

Wow...

It's amazing how fast 3 weeks can go by when you're working 10 hours a day, every day...but that doesn't mean there aren't a few extra minutes left in there somewhere to crank out a NEW ROBERT AND DAVE!!!!!! Because...there are...I mean, I did one today, that's where I was going with that whole thing. Oh, just shut up and watch it. : )

You know...

I think I need to make an intro theme for Robert and Dave. I bet The Rembrandts are available by now, dontcha think?

Doing a Facebook Quiz That's Mistakenly Been Left in Beta

Let's see...what's up over at Facebook this morning...

Welcome to Facebook! You have 1 new Friend Request.

Hmmm...better check that out...hey, HotTania_7337_HAXXORZ...I think I went to high school with her! Approved, bay-bee!

HotTania_7337_HAXXORZ has taken the "Which Famous Book Are You?" Quiz!

Wow, cool! It WOULD be kind of interesting to have a random piece of poorly written software on the internet give me a pandering, broad strokes assessment of my personality based on a few completely meaningless questions! Where do I click?

Welcome to the "Which Famous [Book? Tyler, do you know if anyone has done books yet? If so, what other stupid shit could we pick? Replace this in the final version LOL] Are You?" Quiz!

Would you rather be:
A sparrow or a snail?

Hmmm, wow, that's a toughie! I mean, sparrows are all cute, but snails are all like, "Don't be coming up in my snail house with all that stuff!" LOL. I think I'll take the snail.


Would you rather be:
A hammer or a nail?

Eh...hammer.

*singing*
if Leonard Nimoy had a hammer...he'd hammer your head in...he'd hammer your face off...all over this land!


Would you rather sail away, like a swan that's here and gone?


Well, sure! I wouldn't mind sailing away from some of these BILLS, I'll tell you that LOL j/k! :>P Maybe the kids, too! o_O

When a man gets tied up to the ground, does he give the world its saddest sound...its saddest sound?

Whoa, is this thing reading my mind? I'm going with "YES!!!"

Would you rather be:
A forest or a street?

OK already, blah blah blah, just give me what book I am already. A street, I guess.

Would you rather feel the earth beneath your feet?

Jesus...what is this, the hippy quiz all of a sudden? Yes, I'd like to feel the earth beneath my feet, while I stand there eating a hamburger!

Congratulations! We have determined What Famous Book you are!

To find out what famous book you are, click here to authorize the Famous Book application to access the entire contents of your FriendList, including (but not limited to): your friends' email addresses, social security numbers, home addresses, bank routing numbers, dates of birth, and mothers' maiden names.

Yeah, yeah... *click*

To continue, please acknowledge that the makers of the Famous Book application are hereby granted the right to email notices to any and all members of your FriendsList with attachments including (but not limited to): spam, viruses, worms, trojan horses, keystroke loggers, virtual anthrax powder, ACTUAL anthrax powder, and chain mail letters that will result in their horrific deaths and/or dismemberments if they do not forward them on to seven other people within three days.

Hmmmmmmm... *click*

Congratulations! You are The Harry Potter Series! Everyone likes you, but only because it's been quite a while since they've actually been around you, so they don't really remember what you're like at all. Either that, or it's because their kids told them how great you are, and we all know what morons kids are, am I right?

What the...? Hey, come on now! Let's try this again...

*answers questions again, slightly differently*

Congratulations! You are The DaVinci Code! Back in the day you used to be really popular, but then everyone figured out that you weren't really as cool as they had thought, and they turned on you viciously, until now the mere mention of your name brings the most bitter recriminations from the mouths of those that were once closest to you!

God damn it! Stupid quiz...

*answers questions for tenth time*

Congratulations! Look, I know that you think if you keep answering these questions that eventually you're going to get something cool, like Ulysses or Lolita, but it's not going to happen, OK pal? You're going to have to live with The Bible or Letters to Penthouse or whatever you've gotten so far. Loser.

*answers questions for eleventh time*

Congratulations! OK, you win. You are The Catcher in the Rye! You are the perfect mix of charm, style, smarts, sass, and rumpled unconventional good looks! You are funny, witty, likeable, and ultra-cool, yet simultaneously soulful and poignant! You are pretty much the apex of western goddam civilization, if you want to know the truth!

All right! I can't wait to post this to Facebook! HotTania, you are all but mine...

Heh. Heh heh.

WHOOOOOOOO. *wipes away tear* Heh.

Man, I love making new R&D episodes.

Late Nite Cubicle

It has come to this...I get through the night with Sour Skittles and Mmmbop on repeat.